Annoyed.

I feel like I should give up the internet and friends forever. All I ever feel is annoyed around them.

So many times I wish that people would just stop being idiots. I wish people were trustworthy and that I could talk freely about things with them. Don't get me wrong, I do have people like that in my life, but clearly not enough.

I don't get why people keep popping into my life when I don't want them to. Especially him. No one even knows how I feel when he talks to me. It's like my whole world flips around. But not in the good way. More of in the 'now I want to stab everyone that I come into contact with' way. Yeah, intense, I know.

I also don't get why people can't be honest with me. I mean, really? I'm an adult and so are you. Act like one, please. Don't tell me that everything is okay between us, then never talk to me again. Clearly, that was a lie. And that pisses me off. Instead of talking to me, you just ignore me. Yeah, that's even better.

Another thing I hate is people. Just plain and simple. All people. Everywhere.

I hate people who are insensitive to what I'm feeling or people who think I don't know what pain feels like. I hate people who claim to miss me or love me, then abuse me. I'm not that stupid anymore. I hate people who aren't mature enough to be honest with me. (Yeah, I realize this post is slightly immature. Bite me.) I hate it when people are childish. I hate people who don't listen to me. Just because I don't talk about my feelings a lot doesn't mean that when I finally do, I don't want you to listen. I hate selfish people. I hate people who aren't there for me when I'm always there for them.

The only people I like to talk to now are strangers. People who don't know my name or anything about me. They are the best, because they can't betray my trust to anyone I know.

I want to leave this place, leave my internet behind, and go somewhere where no one knows me.

Now I'm also annoyed that this stupid blog won't post in the stupid color I want it to.

Messages!

So, I decided to post my absolute favourite messages from David. They are all really short, but they all made me so happy when I read them. :3

COME. ONLINE.
I. MISS. YOU. D:

That was on February 24. I had a band concert, so obviously I was away. This was a few days after we met.

You know, I'm a very lucky guy. Just because I have you in my life.

March 14th. We just having a normal conversation and he just said that to me. Cute, no?

I don't care if it hurts. I want to talk to you.

This was on St. Patrick's Day. David broke his arm so I told him that if it hurt too much, we didn't have to talk. And he said that. <3

Oh, and, this is my favourite picture of David I've ever seen. :)

Rainbows.

I think today was amazing and kind of a breakthrough for me.

First, I just have to say that sometimes I hate being a girl. Especially when boys are around. That's all I gotta say about that. And, I hate stupid drivers. And people who take more than 10 items in the Express check out lane. Lame! And I love rainbows. A lot.

Anyways. I went to Mass today (at the wrong time). It was kind of silly. Well, I felt silly for not remembering the time. So I sat in church for 40 minutes. It was cool I guess.

It wasn't really Mass that was incredibly awesome (though receiving Jesus is always cool). Anyways, it was after Mass that made me so happy, that I cried. I've been thinking and missing David a lot these past few days, though I haven't really told anyone about it. I feel like I just talk about the same things and I don't want to seem annoying to people.

Anyway, so in the book Captivating that I read for small group (miss you Molly!), the author talked about getting a 'kiss' from God. (Or something like that?) So I've been thinking a lot about so many things, about how I'm still struggling with this and how I've been struggling with how to find peace in this whole situation. And I've also been having doubts about him loving me and me loving him and such, mostly because I guess it would hurt less that way.

Back to the point. After Mass...I think I finally got what I've been wanting. For the sake of not appearing silly, I don't want to say what happened, but all I can say is that I pretty much started crying and smiling to myself while I was driving. And I just felt so good and it was like I just knew that things were going to be okay and that David still loved me, no matter what.

This might not even make sense, but I just wanted to write it down because it made me so incredibly happy.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you don't want to hang out with me anymore.
I'm sorry that David died.
I'm sorry that I can't just get over this.
I'm sorry that I can't just shove my feelings away.
I'm sorry we don't grieve in the same way.
I'm sorry that I have mood swings.
I'm sorry that I can't be happy all the time.
I'm sorry that I can't magically be better.
I'm sorry that I'm not the same person I used to be.
I'm sorry that you think I don't care about you anymore.
I'm sorry that I cry all the time.
I'm sorry you don't understand what I'm going through.
I'm sorry that I don't always want to listen to you talk about other boys.
I'm sorry that I joke about other boys.
I'm sorry that I joke about the situation to hide my pain.
I'm sorry that you think I'm being selfish.
I'm sorry if all I want to talk about is David.
I'm sorry that I can't smile all the time.
I'm sorry that you think I didn't love him.
I'm sorry you don't understand our relationship.
I'm sorry you think I like other people.
I'm sorry that I can't always put away my pain to listen to stupid drama.
I'm sorry you find me aggravating.
I'm sorry that you think I should be over this.
I'm sorry that I'll never be the same again.

LOLJK
I'm not even sorry at all.

Revelations.

I hope that all of this doesn't come out jumbled or unclear, because I feel like I have so many thoughts in my head that this might be the case! But, let's try.

So, weeks ago I mentioned how I have learned many things about myself and kind of life in general. And now I'm going to try to tell you these things. I guess this is mostly for my benefit, but my therapist says I need to start caring for myself. Ha.

I think one of the first things I learned was the arguing about stupid, petty things just is not worth it. At all. I mean, seriously. David used to argue about silly things that don't even need mentioning. Now that I look back on it, it makes me sad to think that all those times we could've been getting along or talking about something better. And it would've saved me a lot of unnecessary grief and anger. Obviously, sometimes there are issues that do need to be talked about or maybe even "argued" over, but it's just the silly things that I don't care too much for anymore. There's just no point.

I've also learned to talk more about my feelings, I think. You know, David put so much of himself on the line when he admitted to liking me and I just kind of blew him off, yet he didn't give up. With him I could talk about basically anything and I loved that. It's easier now to talk about my emotions. Not too much, but enough. I feel like I talk a little more when I first meet people and I open up just a smidgen more. Baby steps, you know. David taught me that saying what's on your mind can reap good results. If he had been too scared to admit his feelings for him, I'm sure that I would never have told him anything about how I felt. Especially about him.

One of the most important things I learned was how to open up my heart. Sure, I have many friends whom I talk to about many things, but most times I just focus on them and their problems. Yes, I love all my friends dearly, but being in love is a completely different experience. For many of my teenage years, I pretty much thought that it would never happen. I didn't think that I was pretty enough for anyone to ever like me. By anyone I mean a boy, duh. I've had crushes on boys in the past, sure, but they were really nothing. The first time I ever talked to David, I felt like this instant connection with him. There was something special about him. Him loving me opened my eyes and showed me that I was worth something. That it was possible for someone to love me. He constantly told me that I was pretty and funny. His favourite words to describe me were "perfect" and "amazing." He told me I was those things almost every time we talked. David taught me to love myself.

I came to a happy realisation today.

I'm going to fall in love again.

And it's going to be amazing. I just know. It won't be the same at all, I understand that. But one day, it will happen and it will be beautiful. And whoever that man is will know about David, because I also realised today that whoever I fall in love with has to know about him. He's a part of me now and he always will be. First loves are never forgotten. All my memories of David will always be in my heart. And I do want to fall in love again. I want to get married and have children. And I think loving David will help me get there.

I also decided something else today. Sometimes I like to talk about my future children and what I will name them and such. One day I was talking to Sebastian and he was like "You should name your child David." I was in shock. I didn't think that I could ever have someone permanently in my life with that name. And today I was thinking about how amazing David was. Yes, I'd never met him in person, but from our conversations and such, he seemed like such a gentleman. He seemed like the kind of guy that would open doors for girls and be respectful towards them. David always respected my views about religion and life and such and never once did he try to use that as a cop-out for being with me, like some guys do. So what all this means is that if I ever have a son, I would be so proud if he became like David, because David was a great guy. Basically this means I would name my child after him, haha.

February 20, 2010

February 20. That was the first day I ever laid eyes on David.

Okay, obviously not really, but it was the first day I met him. I don't know if anyone else will find this story amusing or not, but I kind of did. So I'm going to tell it anyway. Ha! And this is what happened.

So I started to RP [role play. easier to abbreviate.] with David when I first made my Delilah account, near the beginning of January. Though I obviously knew nothing about him; I didn't even know if he was really a guy or not. Okay so, we started RPing and then he decided to delete his other account and make a new one, so he told me about it and whatnot. But I don't really count that as the first time we talked. Though it technically was. So anyway. With his new account we started to RP, naturally. And along the way, I found Sebastian's profile, though I didn't know it was him. I remember reading his character's About Me and I was like "I must RP with this person." So, I did.

Then one day, probably the 19th, I was creeping people's profiles like I always do when I'm bored. And I noticed that this girl, Layla, had written on David's wall, and they were having a conversation. (I should point out that it wasn't really David having that conversation, it was Sebastian.) Anyway, at first I was like "Ew," because I didn't like Layla back then. Because of that conversation, I thought that it was the same person behind both accounts, Seb and David's.

So the on the 20th, at like midnight, I saw that Sebastian was on chat so I asked him if he was the same person that RPed Drake (which was David's account). He told me that it was his brother. Then Sebastian and I talked for a few minutes about our characters and stuff and just random things I suppose. And then he tells me that David's character liked mine, though I really didn't think that at all. Then I told Seb to get offline and let me talk to David. And he did!

David and I started talking, mostly about little things that didn't really matter, and then he had to go. Before he left he told me to inbox him and I was all 'O_o why?' But, I obviously did it anyway, or else I wouldn't be in this position that I am today. So we talked for a little bit and then he had to go to bed. I'm not sure if I was expecting him to talk to me again or not, but he did.

We pretty much talked that whole entire day and it was just amazing. It was weird that I didn't run out of things to say, since everyone knows that I don't usually have friends of the male persuasion. But he was just so easy to talk to and I loved that. Actually, I wondered why he was even still talking to me because when I look at our conversations now, I think to myself "Man, I'm really weird." I see some of the things I said to him and I'm like "sheesh! Why did he ever talk to me?" I really wonder what was going through his head when he talked to me, because I'm sure that I scared him immensely. Yet, he still talked to me, pretty much every day since the day we met.

February 22. That was the day David told me that he liked me.

I know what you're thinking, because it's probably the same thing I was thinking when he told me. I distinctly remember this day, because it was a Monday and we were talking right before I had to go to band. I was also talking to Bex (<3).

I thought that he wanted to deactivate because Delilah didn't want to be with Drake. And I thought that was silly. But I mean, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know his life, so in the end I told him that if he felt he needed to leave, then he should. And that's when he told me that the reason he wanted to leave had to do with him and me. As you can imagine, I was utterly confused at this point. I didn't think I had done anything to him, considering that I had just met him. I was telling Bex all this and she was like "I think he likes you." I remember freaking out because the more he alluded to the reason he wanted to leave, the more I kept thinking Bex was right. He wouldn't just come out and tell me what was bothering him and that was frustrating. He kept saying things like "You'll think I'm stupid for telling you," and that things would get worse if he would tell me. I told him that I had to go to class, so if he didn't tell me then, I wouldn't be able to talk to him until the next day. So, he told me.

I like you, okay?

That's what he told me. I remember how I felt when I saw those words. My heart started to quicken, as cliche as that sounds. I was kind of flattered too, but I was also scared. I didn't know how I felt about him, since I had met him literally two days before. And, I had to go to class. Damn band class.

I wrote him something totally stupid and I feel bad about that. I guess since no one had ever told me that before, I really didn't know how to react. And since the feeling wasn't mutual, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But I guess I kind of did in a way. I just kind of brushed it off and told him we should just go back to talking like we used to. So we did.

Gosh, I was such a jerk, right? I think that's one of the things I loved about him. Even though I kind of rejected him...twice...he still talked to me and he didn't give up. I know that if I ever got that response from someone, I would probably just give up and be done with it. But he didn't. And I'm so glad that he didn't.

And all this led up to that magic 'L' word. That's a great story. That will come later.

Mind Blown.

So, the other day, I went to confession. And well, I was talking to Fr. Jose about things...obviously. And David came up, obviously. Well, I guess that's not obvious, but it happened. And after I was done with my confession, I felt so much better! Not just because it felt good to confess my sins and be forgiven, but because of one thing Fr. Jose said to me.

I was telling him about David and how he was gone and how I was having a hard time with it. He told me that even though David wasn't here on this earth, that he was still my friend. Just those words made me feel so good! Because I guess I hadn't really thought about it that way and it made me happy to know. David's always going to be with me and he's always going to be a part of me. And I found that comforting.

But it was really this statement that just brought me so much joy. You know what he said? He told me that I now had a friend who was in Jesus' presence that could pray for me. Just...wow. I had definitely never thought about it that way. It just made me think. How amazing is that?! To have a friend that close to Him? It completely blew my mind. He told me that I can ask David to pray for me, which is another thing I had never thought of. It just made me feel so happy to know that David is still here for me, even though I can't physically talk to him anymore. This just really touched me. And it put things into perspective.

I'm learning to just remember the good times David and I had when he was alive. I'm learning that I should live my life happily because that's what he would want. I know how much he cared about me. He would want me to be happy, even if it's not with him.

These past couple days I've felt so good! I may be crying right now, but I'm also smiling. I like remembering David as the person I knew him as.

I don't know if this is weird, but sometimes I just talk to David, as though he were in front of me. No, I'm not going crazy. I think! Haha.

Oh, so, this is like, one of the best pictures of David. Not my favourite, but when Seb showed it to me again, it made my day and I couldn't stop laughing for like, 20 minutes.

He's obviously the boy in the back. xD haha.

Love is a mystery.

Love is strange. Don't you think?

I think so.

The more I think about David and I, the more I wonder how we ever got along. We were such different people, yet that obviously didn't matter.

Besides us being physically different, him having dark hair and eyes and me with my blonde hair and blue eyes, we were interested in many different things. David played the guitar and the drums. I play the flute. He was in a band and I...have never been attracted to anyone in a band in my life. I listen to Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers and David always made fun of me for that! He listened to Kings of Leon and music like that. He smoked (which I yelled at him for) and I obviously find that the most disgusting thing on the planet. David didn't even like cookies! Which I told him sucked, since I'm the most awesome baker in the world. I like silly, immature things, which he always found odd. He spoke Spanish. I think Portuguese is better. Worst of all, he didn't even like Johnny Depp. :(

[I remember this one time I told him that I had a cut out of Johnny Depp and he told me to put his picture next to it, which I still find amusing.]

But yet, we did have things in common, obviously. We obviously both liked to write, though he would never let me tell him that I thought he was a good writer (which he was). And he liked Harry Potter. Which honestly, if you don't like Harry Potter, you can't be my friend. (Unless you're Shannon). He liked Italian food and I'm...Italian. haha. He didn't like the mall and neither do I. And we both like the Beatles.

Even through all this, I knew that he loved me, though I don't even understand why. We seemed to have different opinions about many things, but I always knew that he cared about me and most importantly, that he respected my views. Don't you hate people that won't even listen to the other side of the story? Or won't even listen to a different view on something? Well David wasn't like that. He was a good person. He always listened to me and even if he didn't agree, he wouldn't be mean about it.

Above all, I know that David cared about my happiness more than I cared about his at times (not all the time!). Anyone who reads the things he says to me can hear the sincerity behind all his words. And I love that. I love that I can go back and see how truly amazing he was. It makes me happy to think that I knew someone as awesome as him.

It kind of sucks that it took me this long to see how much he cared about me. I mean, I knew it at the time, but I guess the extent of it, I am just seeing now. But hey, at least I'm learning! It makes me sad to think that I lost someone so amazing. No one can ever really compare to him and I have to keep reminding myself not to compare other guys to him.

In the end, I know that he loved me. And I love him. He'll always be a part of me. And I think that's the most important thing.

Oh, picture of the beautiful boy? :)
He's the one on the right. For those who don't know what that means, he's the one in the hat.
PS - This is my second favourite picture of him.

I'm mixed up...can somebody help me?

I don't know if I should say what I'm about to say, but...I'm going to do it anyway. And again, really. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I just need to get this all out.

Last night was awful. I cried for about two hours straight and now my eyes really hurt. But not the point. It was almost as though yesterday was the day that he died, because my pain felt fresh, the way it did on April 14th. I know what made me so upset, though I don't feel like sharing. It's kind of silly, but it still made me break down.

I haven't cried like this for a least a month. It was awful. My head started to spin. I couldn't breathe. My body felt numb. The tears wouldn't stop falling. So much pain had filled my body that I was literally willing to do anything to stop it.

And last night was the first night I have seriously considered hurting myself.
(But really, don't worry about me. I didn't do anything and I won't).

A few things prevented this - of which I'm incredibly grateful for. One was Sebastian. The other was Kathleen.

As much as Sebastian and I don't always get along, I know that he's there to help me when I need it. And I hope he knows that I'm here for him. So I started talking to him last night, but I wasn't in a great mood, obviously, so I was kind of rude to him, but then I told him I didn't want him to leave me. And I told him that I really wanted to do something to take this pain away and he told me that hurting myself wasn't going to help me. But really, I didn't care. I knew I was being difficult, but I wasn't thinking straight. He told me that I shouldn't give up and that I needed to calm down. (Side note. I don't think it's really a good thing when people tell girls to calm down. >_> David told me that one and I wanted to punch him). I asked him how I was supposed to get over this and he told me to go write about it. And then he said that he would try to help me with this. And I think it was then when I realised that he was right. And honestly, I was touched that he even cared enough about me to not want anything to happen to me, because there have been so many times were I really didn't think Seb would ever talk to me again. But pretty much, I was grateful that he was there last night. And I was grateful for him making sure I was okay this morning.

And then came Kathleen. I felt so crappy last night and I really wanted to have reassurance that things would be alright. So, I texted Kathleen and she sent me this Bible verse which made me cry, but also made me feel better. It said "He reveals mysteries from the darkness and brings the deepest darkness to light" Job 12:22 I just wish that things didn't take so much time to reveal themselves, but that's what I needed to hear. And then today she sent me another one that said "For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand and say to you: Do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13 I also really needed to hear that, because I've been forgetting about that lately, which I know is not okay.

I just never thought something like this would ever happen.
And I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Messages (parte dois)

This message comes all the way from about the second day that I knew David. It was a Sunday and I was going to leave for Mass and youth group soon, so I was going to leave him for a few hours.

This is what went down. Basically I told him that I had to go soon, so he said: Why do you have to leave? D;

So naturally, I told him. And this was his reply:
That sucks. D: I don't want you to leave.

That made me smile so much. I had just met him the day before and already I was in love with talking to him. So, I told him that I liked going to Mass and CYA, so I was excited to leave. So, I said bye. And he replied:
:o YOURE LEAVING ME? -dies- NOOOOOO. D: Fine. GOOD BYE.

It's not the cutest thing in the world, but reading this made me smile. It was obvious that there was something different about him. It was obvious that he was always genuine with me and he really meant what he said.

As I keep saying...he was the greatest guy I have ever known.

One month & one week.

I just want to clear another thing up before I write this post. I'm not trying to call attention to myself or be selfish about anything. I just want people to understand what I'm going through and how I feel. That way if I act differently, it's most likely because of this. That's all. I don't want pity. I want prayers.

So today it has been one month and a week since it happened.

And I feel like it's been years.

Everyday I miss him more and more. There's this emptiness in my chest that I feel all the time. There really isn't a moment that goes by when I don't think of David. He's pretty much in the front of my mind. Always.

For the past two days, I've almost broken down and cried in the middle of my class. Yesterday we were talking about Romeo & Juliet and my teacher kept saying how pure and awesome their love was and now that really didn't exist today. That made me sad (but it's not what almost made me cry). It made me sad because I believe that it does. And I believe that I had that. I honestly believe that what David and I had was pure and innocent and that he sincerely loved me with everything that he had. I refuse to believe that such amazing love doesn't exist anymore.

But the things that almost made me cry were thus. We were talking about why things happen, like why Romeo and Juliet just happened to be from two families that were sworn enemies. And he was all "Why does a friend have to die in a car crash just shy of his 18th birthday?" When he said that, I teared up, because naturally I thought of David. Sure, he didn't die in a car crash, but he did die before his 18th birthday. And then today we were discussing Julius Caesar and he was talking about how back then, a person could never tell the truth straight without risking their families. He preceded to tell us how if that happened, someone would just tell a man that he had to off himself or else they would kill his family...and then you would find that man moments later, with his wrists cut and bleeding. That stung, for obvious reasons. I thought he was kind of insensitive for saying that, but I guess in a way he's not. But still. I had thought I was getting better and then things like that happen.

Monday, Sebastian uploaded a video of David, because I asked him to, which was really nice of him. The video was hilarious and I love watching it, though it makes me a little sad at the same time. It seems weird to me now to see him alive and breathing. But I like it because I don't want to forget anything about him. I want to remember his face, the way he talked to me, the way he made me feel. I don't ever want to forget something so special.

I don't have much to say, except that I miss him like crazy. Sometimes it makes me angry when people get upset that they didn't get to see their boyfriend that day or talk to him. People should just be grateful that least the person they love is alive. I can never have David back.

Messages (parte um)

So, maybe it's just because I've been reading David and I's messages today, I feel like sharing one that he wrote to me. I think I might start doing this randomly. Just posting cute things that he said to me. Just so everyone can how truly amazing he was.

Basically, I love this message. I read it a lot. I even read it a lot when he was still alive.

He sent this to me March 10th and the night before, we had a tiny argument and I asked him why he loved me...so this is what he said:

Okay, listen. I'm sorry about last night. For being a jerk. And an asshole. I know I'm stupid. And I don't need a reason for being in love with you. But fine. I'll tell you. You just make me feel like I /am/ someone. I'm just totally different when I'm around you. You're the only reason I'm alive. The only reason my heart's beating. You make me smile, and make me /extremely/ happy. When you send me videos, I watch them over and over again, just to hear your voice. I've never felt this way before, and you're the only girl I've truly loved, Elisa. All I ever want to do, is talk to you. You /are/ an amazing person. And, you're the only one that can make me happy. Sometimes I wish I was there with you, but I know, that right now, it's impossible. You mean /everything/ to me. And even though you don't love me yet, I love you, and nothing will ever change that.

Isn't that just...beautiful? <3

The endless in between...

Before I begin this post, I just want to say that in my previous post, when I commented on people to stop telling it was going to be alright, I wasn't specifically calling anyone out. I understand that there really isn't much that people can say to me in this situation. In fact, I'd probably be saying the same thing if the situation were reversed. That is, if one of my friends lost someone they loved, I would probably just be like "It's going to be alright." So don't take anything I say personally. Because I love you all.

I think today I'm going to write more about how I feel on this whole situation, then later on I'll explain what I've learned so far and maybe more about me and David.

For a few weeks after it happened, I pretty much cried all the time. I would go to Mass and start praying, then I would just break down. It was pretty standard for me to do that. I didn't know how I would ever get over this and I'm not sure I even know that now. I kept wanting to know how it happened, but Seb kept telling me that he didn't know. I found that hard to believe, but I stopped pushing it. I would forget that he was grieving his brother, just the same as I was. But I felt like knowing would somehow help me with all this...but I was wrong.

So Sebastian and I got into a little argument, you could say, and I definitely said some things to him that I shouldn't have. I feel bad about that, yes, but I can't change the past. So, finally, he told me what happened to David and the reason why he didn't want to tell me earlier.

David had killed himself.

When he told me that, I didn't know what to believe. Why had he waited so long to tell me? Why now? Seb said that he hadn't wanted to tell me because he had thought that news would kill me. Well, okay. I could see that, because honestly, I didn't know what to think about it. Why would he do that? Why would he just leave me here? Why would he do something like that without even saying goodbye?

I just didn't understand the big question of why. It didn't make sense. So then Sebastian tells me that he left a note and that there was a part that he wrote to me. He also said that I was the main reason that David did it, which again made no sense. How could he kill himself, knowing that I loved him so much? Then Seb told me something else that made me angry. His family was blaming me for what happened. And well, I did not appreciate that, since none of them know me, besides Seb. How could I be the cause for all this? What did I ever do to him?

I understand needing to blame someone for death. It just sucked that I had to be the one. I was curious to know why David did this because of me, so Sebastian sent me his letter. In short, he thought that I liked someone else. He thought that I was different. He thought that things were falling apart between us.

And still, none of this made sense. Me? Like someone else? I can't even begin to tell you how many times I told him there was no one else. There hadn't been in the past and there definitely isn't anyone now. I really didn't even notice other guys once David and I started talking. And me? Different? The last time I spoke to David, I had just come back from a retreat and I was happy. I had thought that was obvious. I didn't think things were going downhill with us. Like I said yesterday, we had just made up like...four days before. How could I not have been happy? I was still confused, but I obviously couldn't talk to David about it. And even if none of that made sense, the end of his letter to me was still cute.

He said;
You're the most amazing girl I've ever met. You are perfect. And absolutely beautiful. I'll miss you. And, I love you, Elisa.

This is when my anger started. This is when I started to blame someone. And that someone was David.

Yes, I realise that seems immature or even wrong, but I did. Never once did I blame God for anything. Never once. I know that there was a reason for David being in my life and I know there was a reason for him leaving me. God's timing is always perfect. I've never questioned that. Ever. He doesn't just take people away from you because he's evil and wants to screw with people. God knows what He's doing.

So I started hating David for what he did. And honestly, I'm not quite sure my anger is completely gone yet. See, the thing about us was that when I would tell him that I loved him, he would say "Forever and always?" Of course, me being me, I would jokingly ask if he was proposing to me. But anyway, that's how we used to talk to each other. And when we would fight and make up, I would always tell him that I was afraid of losing him. And you know what he always said? "You'll never lose me."

And then in his letter, he wrote this to me:
Listen, it's not like I want to do this. It's not like I want to leave you in this dangerous world alone, but I feel like I just have to. You'll be much better without me, and our fights. You'll eventually get used to me being gone, and not by your side. I'll miss you, a lot. And you will probably miss me, too. You were the first girl I ever truly loved. The one I will always love. No matter what.

So I would think about that and I would get so angry that he broke the most important and biggest promise he ever made to me. And then I would think, how am I supposed to get used to a world without him? I just didn't understand why, if he loved me so much, he would just leave me behind, broken. Because that's now I feel all the time. There are times when I can't even breathe because this pain is too much to bear. I'm not going to get used to this. I'm not going to forget him. Ever. That's impossible.

My anger is less now than it was, because I know blaming him is stupid. There's no point in blaming anyone. And I was talking to Mirna yesterday about people killing themselves and I really don't believe that you are in your right mind when you do that. Not that I'm saying David was crazy, but there was obviously other things going on with him that I didn't know about. I don't believe that I was the only cause for this and I do not blame myself for this. Not at all.

Side note. Looking back, I find it odd now to remember the first day that I told David I loved him, because it happened to be during Spring Break, so I was home. And that day, March 11th, I went out with my mom. And that day, we talked about love and we talked about suicide. I find that...interesting. Another side note: David was the one who told me he loved me first. I waited like...almost two weeks before I could say it.

I think that's about it for now. I'm trying really hard to release my anger, but it's difficult. Really difficult. I wish I could've talked to him just one more time. I wish I could still talk him.

But what of the wretched hallow?

As many of you all know, my friend, David, died almost 5 weeks ago. But the thing is, David was more than just my friend. He was my best friend; he was the best guy I have ever known. The most amazing boy. People try to help me through this, but no one really understands what I'm going through at all. No one. Well, maybe Bex. And I think that's the most frustrating part about this whole thing. Everyone says that it will be okay. That I'll get better. But when? How long does this take? I can't focus on anything. I cry all the time. I feel like I have no one to talk to.

And as many of you people know, I really don't do well with the whole emotions thing. Which may be why I like to write so much, because I feel as though typing/writing is much easier than actually talking about my feelings. But this is also the reason that I really didn't tell anyone about David or why I can't seem to tell anyone know how I really feel now.

The thing is, I was doing so well this year. I started going to daily Mass and the gym. I did my homework for class. I went out with people (mostly because Molly made me do a lot of things). But still. Life was really good and I really felt at peace for the first time in a LONG time. Because when I came home from Australia, it was pretty obvious that I was Australia sick. I knew it, yet I didn't do anything to help myself.

So anyway, I was so much better. And then I met David. I don't mean that as a bad thing because honestly, if I knew that he was going to die and I would only get to know him for the short time I did, I still wouldn't have changed anything. He made me happy. He made me laugh. He made me feel cherished. I was always excited to talk to him, even when we were arguing, which we happened to do a lot. Pretty much, if I could have spent every waking moment talking to him, I would have. And even when I first met him, I could tell there was something different about him, just because of the fact that I felt so comfortable talking to him. Sure, I met him online and online it's usually easier for me to talk to people. However, David did have a Y chromosome, which meant that I should have been awkward talking to him anyway. I flat out don't know how to talk to boys. Unless you're Danny. For some reason, I can talk to him.

Back on track. David was wonderful. Hands down the easiest person to talk to. He loved me. I loved him. I don't care what people think of that anymore. I don't care that I met him online. I don't care that he was 17. None of that really matters. Pretty much since the first day we met, we talked every single day. About everything. Anything. It didn't matter, as long as we were talking.

I distinctly remember the day that Sebastian told me what happened. I had just finished my homework, so I logged online, like I always did. I really wanted to talk to David, because we hadn't talked for a long time, because I had done some not nice things to him, so he 'took a break' from me. But we had just made up and had talked on Monday, but not Tuesday. That Tuesday, I asked Sebastian where David was, because I worried about him. He told me that he wasn't feeling well. Alright. That sucked, but I wasn't going to make him talk to me if he needed to rest. Back to the story. So that Wednesday, April 14th, I go online. I saw that Sebastian had posted a status or something, so I commented and asked him about David. He told me to message him, so I did. And to be honest, I was scared. The night/morning/day before, I actually had paranoid thoughts about David being dead. Weird, right? So, I ask Seb what's up and he just tells me he's dead. I was in disbelief. In fact, I wasn't even mad. I felt like everything was a lie. I didn't cry. I didn't even think about it. In fact, I called Kathleen. I was fine.

But then it sunk in. Mostly because I was still talking to Seb and the more I talked to him, the most upset I became. Not because of Sebastian, but because of David. But honestly, I really didn't even know how to feel. Nothing like this has ever happened to me in my life and I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. And then I broke down. I literally cried from like 6-10, when I went to bed. I'm pretty sure Bethany was the first person I told. Or maybe it was Bex. I just remember them both knowing first, because they were there. I don't even know how I made it through the next day. I was glad that one of my classes was canceled, so I was able to go to Mass at 12, which I normally couldn't do on Thursdays. It took everything I had to not just cry. I didn't understand how everyone could just be laughing and smiling, when something so awful had just happened. I couldn't listen to music (and I just recently started doing that again, though not too much.) I felt numb inside, like nothing else mattered in the world.

That was that day. I slowly started to tell people and they encouraged me to go out and do things, which I did. Sure, it got my mind off David for awhile, but whenever I was alone, the tears just came. There was no way to stop them. Maybe it was masochistic of me, but I would read David and I's conversations all the time. I haven't been doing that recently, though I did the other day.

Currently, I've been feeling worse. I wasn't bad for about a week, but now I feel like I'm back to where I was. There's always this emptiness in my chest. I hate going out and seeing people holding hands. I don't like watching romantic movies. I don't like listening to love songs. Everything reminds me of David, because seriously all people ever talk about is the name 'David' or Chicago. Like, what? Now that he's dead everything takes place there? And suddenly the name David is uber popular?

Yes, I pray about it. Yes, I know things will be okay. I just wish people would stop saying that to me. You don't know how I feel. You've never lost someone you loved like that before. Don't pretend that you do.

Yes, I know that I've been selfish lately. I just like talking about David. It helps me feel better...most times.

I've learned a lot from this experience, though. But this blog is already too long, so that shall come another day.

This song by Imogen Heap, Wait It Out, put this into words.
"Everybody says that time heals everything. But what of the wretched hallow? The endless in between?"

That's exactly what I want to know.