Revelations.

I hope that all of this doesn't come out jumbled or unclear, because I feel like I have so many thoughts in my head that this might be the case! But, let's try.

So, weeks ago I mentioned how I have learned many things about myself and kind of life in general. And now I'm going to try to tell you these things. I guess this is mostly for my benefit, but my therapist says I need to start caring for myself. Ha.

I think one of the first things I learned was the arguing about stupid, petty things just is not worth it. At all. I mean, seriously. David used to argue about silly things that don't even need mentioning. Now that I look back on it, it makes me sad to think that all those times we could've been getting along or talking about something better. And it would've saved me a lot of unnecessary grief and anger. Obviously, sometimes there are issues that do need to be talked about or maybe even "argued" over, but it's just the silly things that I don't care too much for anymore. There's just no point.

I've also learned to talk more about my feelings, I think. You know, David put so much of himself on the line when he admitted to liking me and I just kind of blew him off, yet he didn't give up. With him I could talk about basically anything and I loved that. It's easier now to talk about my emotions. Not too much, but enough. I feel like I talk a little more when I first meet people and I open up just a smidgen more. Baby steps, you know. David taught me that saying what's on your mind can reap good results. If he had been too scared to admit his feelings for him, I'm sure that I would never have told him anything about how I felt. Especially about him.

One of the most important things I learned was how to open up my heart. Sure, I have many friends whom I talk to about many things, but most times I just focus on them and their problems. Yes, I love all my friends dearly, but being in love is a completely different experience. For many of my teenage years, I pretty much thought that it would never happen. I didn't think that I was pretty enough for anyone to ever like me. By anyone I mean a boy, duh. I've had crushes on boys in the past, sure, but they were really nothing. The first time I ever talked to David, I felt like this instant connection with him. There was something special about him. Him loving me opened my eyes and showed me that I was worth something. That it was possible for someone to love me. He constantly told me that I was pretty and funny. His favourite words to describe me were "perfect" and "amazing." He told me I was those things almost every time we talked. David taught me to love myself.

I came to a happy realisation today.

I'm going to fall in love again.

And it's going to be amazing. I just know. It won't be the same at all, I understand that. But one day, it will happen and it will be beautiful. And whoever that man is will know about David, because I also realised today that whoever I fall in love with has to know about him. He's a part of me now and he always will be. First loves are never forgotten. All my memories of David will always be in my heart. And I do want to fall in love again. I want to get married and have children. And I think loving David will help me get there.

I also decided something else today. Sometimes I like to talk about my future children and what I will name them and such. One day I was talking to Sebastian and he was like "You should name your child David." I was in shock. I didn't think that I could ever have someone permanently in my life with that name. And today I was thinking about how amazing David was. Yes, I'd never met him in person, but from our conversations and such, he seemed like such a gentleman. He seemed like the kind of guy that would open doors for girls and be respectful towards them. David always respected my views about religion and life and such and never once did he try to use that as a cop-out for being with me, like some guys do. So what all this means is that if I ever have a son, I would be so proud if he became like David, because David was a great guy. Basically this means I would name my child after him, haha.