The endless in between...

Before I begin this post, I just want to say that in my previous post, when I commented on people to stop telling it was going to be alright, I wasn't specifically calling anyone out. I understand that there really isn't much that people can say to me in this situation. In fact, I'd probably be saying the same thing if the situation were reversed. That is, if one of my friends lost someone they loved, I would probably just be like "It's going to be alright." So don't take anything I say personally. Because I love you all.

I think today I'm going to write more about how I feel on this whole situation, then later on I'll explain what I've learned so far and maybe more about me and David.

For a few weeks after it happened, I pretty much cried all the time. I would go to Mass and start praying, then I would just break down. It was pretty standard for me to do that. I didn't know how I would ever get over this and I'm not sure I even know that now. I kept wanting to know how it happened, but Seb kept telling me that he didn't know. I found that hard to believe, but I stopped pushing it. I would forget that he was grieving his brother, just the same as I was. But I felt like knowing would somehow help me with all this...but I was wrong.

So Sebastian and I got into a little argument, you could say, and I definitely said some things to him that I shouldn't have. I feel bad about that, yes, but I can't change the past. So, finally, he told me what happened to David and the reason why he didn't want to tell me earlier.

David had killed himself.

When he told me that, I didn't know what to believe. Why had he waited so long to tell me? Why now? Seb said that he hadn't wanted to tell me because he had thought that news would kill me. Well, okay. I could see that, because honestly, I didn't know what to think about it. Why would he do that? Why would he just leave me here? Why would he do something like that without even saying goodbye?

I just didn't understand the big question of why. It didn't make sense. So then Sebastian tells me that he left a note and that there was a part that he wrote to me. He also said that I was the main reason that David did it, which again made no sense. How could he kill himself, knowing that I loved him so much? Then Seb told me something else that made me angry. His family was blaming me for what happened. And well, I did not appreciate that, since none of them know me, besides Seb. How could I be the cause for all this? What did I ever do to him?

I understand needing to blame someone for death. It just sucked that I had to be the one. I was curious to know why David did this because of me, so Sebastian sent me his letter. In short, he thought that I liked someone else. He thought that I was different. He thought that things were falling apart between us.

And still, none of this made sense. Me? Like someone else? I can't even begin to tell you how many times I told him there was no one else. There hadn't been in the past and there definitely isn't anyone now. I really didn't even notice other guys once David and I started talking. And me? Different? The last time I spoke to David, I had just come back from a retreat and I was happy. I had thought that was obvious. I didn't think things were going downhill with us. Like I said yesterday, we had just made up like...four days before. How could I not have been happy? I was still confused, but I obviously couldn't talk to David about it. And even if none of that made sense, the end of his letter to me was still cute.

He said;
You're the most amazing girl I've ever met. You are perfect. And absolutely beautiful. I'll miss you. And, I love you, Elisa.

This is when my anger started. This is when I started to blame someone. And that someone was David.

Yes, I realise that seems immature or even wrong, but I did. Never once did I blame God for anything. Never once. I know that there was a reason for David being in my life and I know there was a reason for him leaving me. God's timing is always perfect. I've never questioned that. Ever. He doesn't just take people away from you because he's evil and wants to screw with people. God knows what He's doing.

So I started hating David for what he did. And honestly, I'm not quite sure my anger is completely gone yet. See, the thing about us was that when I would tell him that I loved him, he would say "Forever and always?" Of course, me being me, I would jokingly ask if he was proposing to me. But anyway, that's how we used to talk to each other. And when we would fight and make up, I would always tell him that I was afraid of losing him. And you know what he always said? "You'll never lose me."

And then in his letter, he wrote this to me:
Listen, it's not like I want to do this. It's not like I want to leave you in this dangerous world alone, but I feel like I just have to. You'll be much better without me, and our fights. You'll eventually get used to me being gone, and not by your side. I'll miss you, a lot. And you will probably miss me, too. You were the first girl I ever truly loved. The one I will always love. No matter what.

So I would think about that and I would get so angry that he broke the most important and biggest promise he ever made to me. And then I would think, how am I supposed to get used to a world without him? I just didn't understand why, if he loved me so much, he would just leave me behind, broken. Because that's now I feel all the time. There are times when I can't even breathe because this pain is too much to bear. I'm not going to get used to this. I'm not going to forget him. Ever. That's impossible.

My anger is less now than it was, because I know blaming him is stupid. There's no point in blaming anyone. And I was talking to Mirna yesterday about people killing themselves and I really don't believe that you are in your right mind when you do that. Not that I'm saying David was crazy, but there was obviously other things going on with him that I didn't know about. I don't believe that I was the only cause for this and I do not blame myself for this. Not at all.

Side note. Looking back, I find it odd now to remember the first day that I told David I loved him, because it happened to be during Spring Break, so I was home. And that day, March 11th, I went out with my mom. And that day, we talked about love and we talked about suicide. I find that...interesting. Another side note: David was the one who told me he loved me first. I waited like...almost two weeks before I could say it.

I think that's about it for now. I'm trying really hard to release my anger, but it's difficult. Really difficult. I wish I could've talked to him just one more time. I wish I could still talk him.