I'm mixed up...can somebody help me?

I don't know if I should say what I'm about to say, but...I'm going to do it anyway. And again, really. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I just need to get this all out.

Last night was awful. I cried for about two hours straight and now my eyes really hurt. But not the point. It was almost as though yesterday was the day that he died, because my pain felt fresh, the way it did on April 14th. I know what made me so upset, though I don't feel like sharing. It's kind of silly, but it still made me break down.

I haven't cried like this for a least a month. It was awful. My head started to spin. I couldn't breathe. My body felt numb. The tears wouldn't stop falling. So much pain had filled my body that I was literally willing to do anything to stop it.

And last night was the first night I have seriously considered hurting myself.
(But really, don't worry about me. I didn't do anything and I won't).

A few things prevented this - of which I'm incredibly grateful for. One was Sebastian. The other was Kathleen.

As much as Sebastian and I don't always get along, I know that he's there to help me when I need it. And I hope he knows that I'm here for him. So I started talking to him last night, but I wasn't in a great mood, obviously, so I was kind of rude to him, but then I told him I didn't want him to leave me. And I told him that I really wanted to do something to take this pain away and he told me that hurting myself wasn't going to help me. But really, I didn't care. I knew I was being difficult, but I wasn't thinking straight. He told me that I shouldn't give up and that I needed to calm down. (Side note. I don't think it's really a good thing when people tell girls to calm down. >_> David told me that one and I wanted to punch him). I asked him how I was supposed to get over this and he told me to go write about it. And then he said that he would try to help me with this. And I think it was then when I realised that he was right. And honestly, I was touched that he even cared enough about me to not want anything to happen to me, because there have been so many times were I really didn't think Seb would ever talk to me again. But pretty much, I was grateful that he was there last night. And I was grateful for him making sure I was okay this morning.

And then came Kathleen. I felt so crappy last night and I really wanted to have reassurance that things would be alright. So, I texted Kathleen and she sent me this Bible verse which made me cry, but also made me feel better. It said "He reveals mysteries from the darkness and brings the deepest darkness to light" Job 12:22 I just wish that things didn't take so much time to reveal themselves, but that's what I needed to hear. And then today she sent me another one that said "For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand and say to you: Do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13 I also really needed to hear that, because I've been forgetting about that lately, which I know is not okay.

I just never thought something like this would ever happen.
And I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.