I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you don't want to hang out with me anymore.
I'm sorry that David died.
I'm sorry that I can't just get over this.
I'm sorry that I can't just shove my feelings away.
I'm sorry we don't grieve in the same way.
I'm sorry that I have mood swings.
I'm sorry that I can't be happy all the time.
I'm sorry that I can't magically be better.
I'm sorry that I'm not the same person I used to be.
I'm sorry that you think I don't care about you anymore.
I'm sorry that I cry all the time.
I'm sorry you don't understand what I'm going through.
I'm sorry that I don't always want to listen to you talk about other boys.
I'm sorry that I joke about other boys.
I'm sorry that I joke about the situation to hide my pain.
I'm sorry that you think I'm being selfish.
I'm sorry if all I want to talk about is David.
I'm sorry that I can't smile all the time.
I'm sorry that you think I didn't love him.
I'm sorry you don't understand our relationship.
I'm sorry you think I like other people.
I'm sorry that I can't always put away my pain to listen to stupid drama.
I'm sorry you find me aggravating.
I'm sorry that you think I should be over this.
I'm sorry that I'll never be the same again.

LOLJK
I'm not even sorry at all.

Revelations.

I hope that all of this doesn't come out jumbled or unclear, because I feel like I have so many thoughts in my head that this might be the case! But, let's try.

So, weeks ago I mentioned how I have learned many things about myself and kind of life in general. And now I'm going to try to tell you these things. I guess this is mostly for my benefit, but my therapist says I need to start caring for myself. Ha.

I think one of the first things I learned was the arguing about stupid, petty things just is not worth it. At all. I mean, seriously. David used to argue about silly things that don't even need mentioning. Now that I look back on it, it makes me sad to think that all those times we could've been getting along or talking about something better. And it would've saved me a lot of unnecessary grief and anger. Obviously, sometimes there are issues that do need to be talked about or maybe even "argued" over, but it's just the silly things that I don't care too much for anymore. There's just no point.

I've also learned to talk more about my feelings, I think. You know, David put so much of himself on the line when he admitted to liking me and I just kind of blew him off, yet he didn't give up. With him I could talk about basically anything and I loved that. It's easier now to talk about my emotions. Not too much, but enough. I feel like I talk a little more when I first meet people and I open up just a smidgen more. Baby steps, you know. David taught me that saying what's on your mind can reap good results. If he had been too scared to admit his feelings for him, I'm sure that I would never have told him anything about how I felt. Especially about him.

One of the most important things I learned was how to open up my heart. Sure, I have many friends whom I talk to about many things, but most times I just focus on them and their problems. Yes, I love all my friends dearly, but being in love is a completely different experience. For many of my teenage years, I pretty much thought that it would never happen. I didn't think that I was pretty enough for anyone to ever like me. By anyone I mean a boy, duh. I've had crushes on boys in the past, sure, but they were really nothing. The first time I ever talked to David, I felt like this instant connection with him. There was something special about him. Him loving me opened my eyes and showed me that I was worth something. That it was possible for someone to love me. He constantly told me that I was pretty and funny. His favourite words to describe me were "perfect" and "amazing." He told me I was those things almost every time we talked. David taught me to love myself.

I came to a happy realisation today.

I'm going to fall in love again.

And it's going to be amazing. I just know. It won't be the same at all, I understand that. But one day, it will happen and it will be beautiful. And whoever that man is will know about David, because I also realised today that whoever I fall in love with has to know about him. He's a part of me now and he always will be. First loves are never forgotten. All my memories of David will always be in my heart. And I do want to fall in love again. I want to get married and have children. And I think loving David will help me get there.

I also decided something else today. Sometimes I like to talk about my future children and what I will name them and such. One day I was talking to Sebastian and he was like "You should name your child David." I was in shock. I didn't think that I could ever have someone permanently in my life with that name. And today I was thinking about how amazing David was. Yes, I'd never met him in person, but from our conversations and such, he seemed like such a gentleman. He seemed like the kind of guy that would open doors for girls and be respectful towards them. David always respected my views about religion and life and such and never once did he try to use that as a cop-out for being with me, like some guys do. So what all this means is that if I ever have a son, I would be so proud if he became like David, because David was a great guy. Basically this means I would name my child after him, haha.

February 20, 2010

February 20. That was the first day I ever laid eyes on David.

Okay, obviously not really, but it was the first day I met him. I don't know if anyone else will find this story amusing or not, but I kind of did. So I'm going to tell it anyway. Ha! And this is what happened.

So I started to RP [role play. easier to abbreviate.] with David when I first made my Delilah account, near the beginning of January. Though I obviously knew nothing about him; I didn't even know if he was really a guy or not. Okay so, we started RPing and then he decided to delete his other account and make a new one, so he told me about it and whatnot. But I don't really count that as the first time we talked. Though it technically was. So anyway. With his new account we started to RP, naturally. And along the way, I found Sebastian's profile, though I didn't know it was him. I remember reading his character's About Me and I was like "I must RP with this person." So, I did.

Then one day, probably the 19th, I was creeping people's profiles like I always do when I'm bored. And I noticed that this girl, Layla, had written on David's wall, and they were having a conversation. (I should point out that it wasn't really David having that conversation, it was Sebastian.) Anyway, at first I was like "Ew," because I didn't like Layla back then. Because of that conversation, I thought that it was the same person behind both accounts, Seb and David's.

So the on the 20th, at like midnight, I saw that Sebastian was on chat so I asked him if he was the same person that RPed Drake (which was David's account). He told me that it was his brother. Then Sebastian and I talked for a few minutes about our characters and stuff and just random things I suppose. And then he tells me that David's character liked mine, though I really didn't think that at all. Then I told Seb to get offline and let me talk to David. And he did!

David and I started talking, mostly about little things that didn't really matter, and then he had to go. Before he left he told me to inbox him and I was all 'O_o why?' But, I obviously did it anyway, or else I wouldn't be in this position that I am today. So we talked for a little bit and then he had to go to bed. I'm not sure if I was expecting him to talk to me again or not, but he did.

We pretty much talked that whole entire day and it was just amazing. It was weird that I didn't run out of things to say, since everyone knows that I don't usually have friends of the male persuasion. But he was just so easy to talk to and I loved that. Actually, I wondered why he was even still talking to me because when I look at our conversations now, I think to myself "Man, I'm really weird." I see some of the things I said to him and I'm like "sheesh! Why did he ever talk to me?" I really wonder what was going through his head when he talked to me, because I'm sure that I scared him immensely. Yet, he still talked to me, pretty much every day since the day we met.

February 22. That was the day David told me that he liked me.

I know what you're thinking, because it's probably the same thing I was thinking when he told me. I distinctly remember this day, because it was a Monday and we were talking right before I had to go to band. I was also talking to Bex (<3).

I thought that he wanted to deactivate because Delilah didn't want to be with Drake. And I thought that was silly. But I mean, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know his life, so in the end I told him that if he felt he needed to leave, then he should. And that's when he told me that the reason he wanted to leave had to do with him and me. As you can imagine, I was utterly confused at this point. I didn't think I had done anything to him, considering that I had just met him. I was telling Bex all this and she was like "I think he likes you." I remember freaking out because the more he alluded to the reason he wanted to leave, the more I kept thinking Bex was right. He wouldn't just come out and tell me what was bothering him and that was frustrating. He kept saying things like "You'll think I'm stupid for telling you," and that things would get worse if he would tell me. I told him that I had to go to class, so if he didn't tell me then, I wouldn't be able to talk to him until the next day. So, he told me.

I like you, okay?

That's what he told me. I remember how I felt when I saw those words. My heart started to quicken, as cliche as that sounds. I was kind of flattered too, but I was also scared. I didn't know how I felt about him, since I had met him literally two days before. And, I had to go to class. Damn band class.

I wrote him something totally stupid and I feel bad about that. I guess since no one had ever told me that before, I really didn't know how to react. And since the feeling wasn't mutual, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But I guess I kind of did in a way. I just kind of brushed it off and told him we should just go back to talking like we used to. So we did.

Gosh, I was such a jerk, right? I think that's one of the things I loved about him. Even though I kind of rejected him...twice...he still talked to me and he didn't give up. I know that if I ever got that response from someone, I would probably just give up and be done with it. But he didn't. And I'm so glad that he didn't.

And all this led up to that magic 'L' word. That's a great story. That will come later.