Mind Blown.

So, the other day, I went to confession. And well, I was talking to Fr. Jose about things...obviously. And David came up, obviously. Well, I guess that's not obvious, but it happened. And after I was done with my confession, I felt so much better! Not just because it felt good to confess my sins and be forgiven, but because of one thing Fr. Jose said to me.

I was telling him about David and how he was gone and how I was having a hard time with it. He told me that even though David wasn't here on this earth, that he was still my friend. Just those words made me feel so good! Because I guess I hadn't really thought about it that way and it made me happy to know. David's always going to be with me and he's always going to be a part of me. And I found that comforting.

But it was really this statement that just brought me so much joy. You know what he said? He told me that I now had a friend who was in Jesus' presence that could pray for me. Just...wow. I had definitely never thought about it that way. It just made me think. How amazing is that?! To have a friend that close to Him? It completely blew my mind. He told me that I can ask David to pray for me, which is another thing I had never thought of. It just made me feel so happy to know that David is still here for me, even though I can't physically talk to him anymore. This just really touched me. And it put things into perspective.

I'm learning to just remember the good times David and I had when he was alive. I'm learning that I should live my life happily because that's what he would want. I know how much he cared about me. He would want me to be happy, even if it's not with him.

These past couple days I've felt so good! I may be crying right now, but I'm also smiling. I like remembering David as the person I knew him as.

I don't know if this is weird, but sometimes I just talk to David, as though he were in front of me. No, I'm not going crazy. I think! Haha.

Oh, so, this is like, one of the best pictures of David. Not my favourite, but when Seb showed it to me again, it made my day and I couldn't stop laughing for like, 20 minutes.

He's obviously the boy in the back. xD haha.

Love is a mystery.

Love is strange. Don't you think?

I think so.

The more I think about David and I, the more I wonder how we ever got along. We were such different people, yet that obviously didn't matter.

Besides us being physically different, him having dark hair and eyes and me with my blonde hair and blue eyes, we were interested in many different things. David played the guitar and the drums. I play the flute. He was in a band and I...have never been attracted to anyone in a band in my life. I listen to Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers and David always made fun of me for that! He listened to Kings of Leon and music like that. He smoked (which I yelled at him for) and I obviously find that the most disgusting thing on the planet. David didn't even like cookies! Which I told him sucked, since I'm the most awesome baker in the world. I like silly, immature things, which he always found odd. He spoke Spanish. I think Portuguese is better. Worst of all, he didn't even like Johnny Depp. :(

[I remember this one time I told him that I had a cut out of Johnny Depp and he told me to put his picture next to it, which I still find amusing.]

But yet, we did have things in common, obviously. We obviously both liked to write, though he would never let me tell him that I thought he was a good writer (which he was). And he liked Harry Potter. Which honestly, if you don't like Harry Potter, you can't be my friend. (Unless you're Shannon). He liked Italian food and I'm...Italian. haha. He didn't like the mall and neither do I. And we both like the Beatles.

Even through all this, I knew that he loved me, though I don't even understand why. We seemed to have different opinions about many things, but I always knew that he cared about me and most importantly, that he respected my views. Don't you hate people that won't even listen to the other side of the story? Or won't even listen to a different view on something? Well David wasn't like that. He was a good person. He always listened to me and even if he didn't agree, he wouldn't be mean about it.

Above all, I know that David cared about my happiness more than I cared about his at times (not all the time!). Anyone who reads the things he says to me can hear the sincerity behind all his words. And I love that. I love that I can go back and see how truly amazing he was. It makes me happy to think that I knew someone as awesome as him.

It kind of sucks that it took me this long to see how much he cared about me. I mean, I knew it at the time, but I guess the extent of it, I am just seeing now. But hey, at least I'm learning! It makes me sad to think that I lost someone so amazing. No one can ever really compare to him and I have to keep reminding myself not to compare other guys to him.

In the end, I know that he loved me. And I love him. He'll always be a part of me. And I think that's the most important thing.

Oh, picture of the beautiful boy? :)
He's the one on the right. For those who don't know what that means, he's the one in the hat.
PS - This is my second favourite picture of him.

I'm mixed up...can somebody help me?

I don't know if I should say what I'm about to say, but...I'm going to do it anyway. And again, really. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I just need to get this all out.

Last night was awful. I cried for about two hours straight and now my eyes really hurt. But not the point. It was almost as though yesterday was the day that he died, because my pain felt fresh, the way it did on April 14th. I know what made me so upset, though I don't feel like sharing. It's kind of silly, but it still made me break down.

I haven't cried like this for a least a month. It was awful. My head started to spin. I couldn't breathe. My body felt numb. The tears wouldn't stop falling. So much pain had filled my body that I was literally willing to do anything to stop it.

And last night was the first night I have seriously considered hurting myself.
(But really, don't worry about me. I didn't do anything and I won't).

A few things prevented this - of which I'm incredibly grateful for. One was Sebastian. The other was Kathleen.

As much as Sebastian and I don't always get along, I know that he's there to help me when I need it. And I hope he knows that I'm here for him. So I started talking to him last night, but I wasn't in a great mood, obviously, so I was kind of rude to him, but then I told him I didn't want him to leave me. And I told him that I really wanted to do something to take this pain away and he told me that hurting myself wasn't going to help me. But really, I didn't care. I knew I was being difficult, but I wasn't thinking straight. He told me that I shouldn't give up and that I needed to calm down. (Side note. I don't think it's really a good thing when people tell girls to calm down. >_> David told me that one and I wanted to punch him). I asked him how I was supposed to get over this and he told me to go write about it. And then he said that he would try to help me with this. And I think it was then when I realised that he was right. And honestly, I was touched that he even cared enough about me to not want anything to happen to me, because there have been so many times were I really didn't think Seb would ever talk to me again. But pretty much, I was grateful that he was there last night. And I was grateful for him making sure I was okay this morning.

And then came Kathleen. I felt so crappy last night and I really wanted to have reassurance that things would be alright. So, I texted Kathleen and she sent me this Bible verse which made me cry, but also made me feel better. It said "He reveals mysteries from the darkness and brings the deepest darkness to light" Job 12:22 I just wish that things didn't take so much time to reveal themselves, but that's what I needed to hear. And then today she sent me another one that said "For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand and say to you: Do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13 I also really needed to hear that, because I've been forgetting about that lately, which I know is not okay.

I just never thought something like this would ever happen.
And I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Messages (parte dois)

This message comes all the way from about the second day that I knew David. It was a Sunday and I was going to leave for Mass and youth group soon, so I was going to leave him for a few hours.

This is what went down. Basically I told him that I had to go soon, so he said: Why do you have to leave? D;

So naturally, I told him. And this was his reply:
That sucks. D: I don't want you to leave.

That made me smile so much. I had just met him the day before and already I was in love with talking to him. So, I told him that I liked going to Mass and CYA, so I was excited to leave. So, I said bye. And he replied:
:o YOURE LEAVING ME? -dies- NOOOOOO. D: Fine. GOOD BYE.

It's not the cutest thing in the world, but reading this made me smile. It was obvious that there was something different about him. It was obvious that he was always genuine with me and he really meant what he said.

As I keep saying...he was the greatest guy I have ever known.

One month & one week.

I just want to clear another thing up before I write this post. I'm not trying to call attention to myself or be selfish about anything. I just want people to understand what I'm going through and how I feel. That way if I act differently, it's most likely because of this. That's all. I don't want pity. I want prayers.

So today it has been one month and a week since it happened.

And I feel like it's been years.

Everyday I miss him more and more. There's this emptiness in my chest that I feel all the time. There really isn't a moment that goes by when I don't think of David. He's pretty much in the front of my mind. Always.

For the past two days, I've almost broken down and cried in the middle of my class. Yesterday we were talking about Romeo & Juliet and my teacher kept saying how pure and awesome their love was and now that really didn't exist today. That made me sad (but it's not what almost made me cry). It made me sad because I believe that it does. And I believe that I had that. I honestly believe that what David and I had was pure and innocent and that he sincerely loved me with everything that he had. I refuse to believe that such amazing love doesn't exist anymore.

But the things that almost made me cry were thus. We were talking about why things happen, like why Romeo and Juliet just happened to be from two families that were sworn enemies. And he was all "Why does a friend have to die in a car crash just shy of his 18th birthday?" When he said that, I teared up, because naturally I thought of David. Sure, he didn't die in a car crash, but he did die before his 18th birthday. And then today we were discussing Julius Caesar and he was talking about how back then, a person could never tell the truth straight without risking their families. He preceded to tell us how if that happened, someone would just tell a man that he had to off himself or else they would kill his family...and then you would find that man moments later, with his wrists cut and bleeding. That stung, for obvious reasons. I thought he was kind of insensitive for saying that, but I guess in a way he's not. But still. I had thought I was getting better and then things like that happen.

Monday, Sebastian uploaded a video of David, because I asked him to, which was really nice of him. The video was hilarious and I love watching it, though it makes me a little sad at the same time. It seems weird to me now to see him alive and breathing. But I like it because I don't want to forget anything about him. I want to remember his face, the way he talked to me, the way he made me feel. I don't ever want to forget something so special.

I don't have much to say, except that I miss him like crazy. Sometimes it makes me angry when people get upset that they didn't get to see their boyfriend that day or talk to him. People should just be grateful that least the person they love is alive. I can never have David back.

Messages (parte um)

So, maybe it's just because I've been reading David and I's messages today, I feel like sharing one that he wrote to me. I think I might start doing this randomly. Just posting cute things that he said to me. Just so everyone can how truly amazing he was.

Basically, I love this message. I read it a lot. I even read it a lot when he was still alive.

He sent this to me March 10th and the night before, we had a tiny argument and I asked him why he loved me...so this is what he said:

Okay, listen. I'm sorry about last night. For being a jerk. And an asshole. I know I'm stupid. And I don't need a reason for being in love with you. But fine. I'll tell you. You just make me feel like I /am/ someone. I'm just totally different when I'm around you. You're the only reason I'm alive. The only reason my heart's beating. You make me smile, and make me /extremely/ happy. When you send me videos, I watch them over and over again, just to hear your voice. I've never felt this way before, and you're the only girl I've truly loved, Elisa. All I ever want to do, is talk to you. You /are/ an amazing person. And, you're the only one that can make me happy. Sometimes I wish I was there with you, but I know, that right now, it's impossible. You mean /everything/ to me. And even though you don't love me yet, I love you, and nothing will ever change that.

Isn't that just...beautiful? <3

The endless in between...

Before I begin this post, I just want to say that in my previous post, when I commented on people to stop telling it was going to be alright, I wasn't specifically calling anyone out. I understand that there really isn't much that people can say to me in this situation. In fact, I'd probably be saying the same thing if the situation were reversed. That is, if one of my friends lost someone they loved, I would probably just be like "It's going to be alright." So don't take anything I say personally. Because I love you all.

I think today I'm going to write more about how I feel on this whole situation, then later on I'll explain what I've learned so far and maybe more about me and David.

For a few weeks after it happened, I pretty much cried all the time. I would go to Mass and start praying, then I would just break down. It was pretty standard for me to do that. I didn't know how I would ever get over this and I'm not sure I even know that now. I kept wanting to know how it happened, but Seb kept telling me that he didn't know. I found that hard to believe, but I stopped pushing it. I would forget that he was grieving his brother, just the same as I was. But I felt like knowing would somehow help me with all this...but I was wrong.

So Sebastian and I got into a little argument, you could say, and I definitely said some things to him that I shouldn't have. I feel bad about that, yes, but I can't change the past. So, finally, he told me what happened to David and the reason why he didn't want to tell me earlier.

David had killed himself.

When he told me that, I didn't know what to believe. Why had he waited so long to tell me? Why now? Seb said that he hadn't wanted to tell me because he had thought that news would kill me. Well, okay. I could see that, because honestly, I didn't know what to think about it. Why would he do that? Why would he just leave me here? Why would he do something like that without even saying goodbye?

I just didn't understand the big question of why. It didn't make sense. So then Sebastian tells me that he left a note and that there was a part that he wrote to me. He also said that I was the main reason that David did it, which again made no sense. How could he kill himself, knowing that I loved him so much? Then Seb told me something else that made me angry. His family was blaming me for what happened. And well, I did not appreciate that, since none of them know me, besides Seb. How could I be the cause for all this? What did I ever do to him?

I understand needing to blame someone for death. It just sucked that I had to be the one. I was curious to know why David did this because of me, so Sebastian sent me his letter. In short, he thought that I liked someone else. He thought that I was different. He thought that things were falling apart between us.

And still, none of this made sense. Me? Like someone else? I can't even begin to tell you how many times I told him there was no one else. There hadn't been in the past and there definitely isn't anyone now. I really didn't even notice other guys once David and I started talking. And me? Different? The last time I spoke to David, I had just come back from a retreat and I was happy. I had thought that was obvious. I didn't think things were going downhill with us. Like I said yesterday, we had just made up like...four days before. How could I not have been happy? I was still confused, but I obviously couldn't talk to David about it. And even if none of that made sense, the end of his letter to me was still cute.

He said;
You're the most amazing girl I've ever met. You are perfect. And absolutely beautiful. I'll miss you. And, I love you, Elisa.

This is when my anger started. This is when I started to blame someone. And that someone was David.

Yes, I realise that seems immature or even wrong, but I did. Never once did I blame God for anything. Never once. I know that there was a reason for David being in my life and I know there was a reason for him leaving me. God's timing is always perfect. I've never questioned that. Ever. He doesn't just take people away from you because he's evil and wants to screw with people. God knows what He's doing.

So I started hating David for what he did. And honestly, I'm not quite sure my anger is completely gone yet. See, the thing about us was that when I would tell him that I loved him, he would say "Forever and always?" Of course, me being me, I would jokingly ask if he was proposing to me. But anyway, that's how we used to talk to each other. And when we would fight and make up, I would always tell him that I was afraid of losing him. And you know what he always said? "You'll never lose me."

And then in his letter, he wrote this to me:
Listen, it's not like I want to do this. It's not like I want to leave you in this dangerous world alone, but I feel like I just have to. You'll be much better without me, and our fights. You'll eventually get used to me being gone, and not by your side. I'll miss you, a lot. And you will probably miss me, too. You were the first girl I ever truly loved. The one I will always love. No matter what.

So I would think about that and I would get so angry that he broke the most important and biggest promise he ever made to me. And then I would think, how am I supposed to get used to a world without him? I just didn't understand why, if he loved me so much, he would just leave me behind, broken. Because that's now I feel all the time. There are times when I can't even breathe because this pain is too much to bear. I'm not going to get used to this. I'm not going to forget him. Ever. That's impossible.

My anger is less now than it was, because I know blaming him is stupid. There's no point in blaming anyone. And I was talking to Mirna yesterday about people killing themselves and I really don't believe that you are in your right mind when you do that. Not that I'm saying David was crazy, but there was obviously other things going on with him that I didn't know about. I don't believe that I was the only cause for this and I do not blame myself for this. Not at all.

Side note. Looking back, I find it odd now to remember the first day that I told David I loved him, because it happened to be during Spring Break, so I was home. And that day, March 11th, I went out with my mom. And that day, we talked about love and we talked about suicide. I find that...interesting. Another side note: David was the one who told me he loved me first. I waited like...almost two weeks before I could say it.

I think that's about it for now. I'm trying really hard to release my anger, but it's difficult. Really difficult. I wish I could've talked to him just one more time. I wish I could still talk him.

But what of the wretched hallow?

As many of you all know, my friend, David, died almost 5 weeks ago. But the thing is, David was more than just my friend. He was my best friend; he was the best guy I have ever known. The most amazing boy. People try to help me through this, but no one really understands what I'm going through at all. No one. Well, maybe Bex. And I think that's the most frustrating part about this whole thing. Everyone says that it will be okay. That I'll get better. But when? How long does this take? I can't focus on anything. I cry all the time. I feel like I have no one to talk to.

And as many of you people know, I really don't do well with the whole emotions thing. Which may be why I like to write so much, because I feel as though typing/writing is much easier than actually talking about my feelings. But this is also the reason that I really didn't tell anyone about David or why I can't seem to tell anyone know how I really feel now.

The thing is, I was doing so well this year. I started going to daily Mass and the gym. I did my homework for class. I went out with people (mostly because Molly made me do a lot of things). But still. Life was really good and I really felt at peace for the first time in a LONG time. Because when I came home from Australia, it was pretty obvious that I was Australia sick. I knew it, yet I didn't do anything to help myself.

So anyway, I was so much better. And then I met David. I don't mean that as a bad thing because honestly, if I knew that he was going to die and I would only get to know him for the short time I did, I still wouldn't have changed anything. He made me happy. He made me laugh. He made me feel cherished. I was always excited to talk to him, even when we were arguing, which we happened to do a lot. Pretty much, if I could have spent every waking moment talking to him, I would have. And even when I first met him, I could tell there was something different about him, just because of the fact that I felt so comfortable talking to him. Sure, I met him online and online it's usually easier for me to talk to people. However, David did have a Y chromosome, which meant that I should have been awkward talking to him anyway. I flat out don't know how to talk to boys. Unless you're Danny. For some reason, I can talk to him.

Back on track. David was wonderful. Hands down the easiest person to talk to. He loved me. I loved him. I don't care what people think of that anymore. I don't care that I met him online. I don't care that he was 17. None of that really matters. Pretty much since the first day we met, we talked every single day. About everything. Anything. It didn't matter, as long as we were talking.

I distinctly remember the day that Sebastian told me what happened. I had just finished my homework, so I logged online, like I always did. I really wanted to talk to David, because we hadn't talked for a long time, because I had done some not nice things to him, so he 'took a break' from me. But we had just made up and had talked on Monday, but not Tuesday. That Tuesday, I asked Sebastian where David was, because I worried about him. He told me that he wasn't feeling well. Alright. That sucked, but I wasn't going to make him talk to me if he needed to rest. Back to the story. So that Wednesday, April 14th, I go online. I saw that Sebastian had posted a status or something, so I commented and asked him about David. He told me to message him, so I did. And to be honest, I was scared. The night/morning/day before, I actually had paranoid thoughts about David being dead. Weird, right? So, I ask Seb what's up and he just tells me he's dead. I was in disbelief. In fact, I wasn't even mad. I felt like everything was a lie. I didn't cry. I didn't even think about it. In fact, I called Kathleen. I was fine.

But then it sunk in. Mostly because I was still talking to Seb and the more I talked to him, the most upset I became. Not because of Sebastian, but because of David. But honestly, I really didn't even know how to feel. Nothing like this has ever happened to me in my life and I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. And then I broke down. I literally cried from like 6-10, when I went to bed. I'm pretty sure Bethany was the first person I told. Or maybe it was Bex. I just remember them both knowing first, because they were there. I don't even know how I made it through the next day. I was glad that one of my classes was canceled, so I was able to go to Mass at 12, which I normally couldn't do on Thursdays. It took everything I had to not just cry. I didn't understand how everyone could just be laughing and smiling, when something so awful had just happened. I couldn't listen to music (and I just recently started doing that again, though not too much.) I felt numb inside, like nothing else mattered in the world.

That was that day. I slowly started to tell people and they encouraged me to go out and do things, which I did. Sure, it got my mind off David for awhile, but whenever I was alone, the tears just came. There was no way to stop them. Maybe it was masochistic of me, but I would read David and I's conversations all the time. I haven't been doing that recently, though I did the other day.

Currently, I've been feeling worse. I wasn't bad for about a week, but now I feel like I'm back to where I was. There's always this emptiness in my chest. I hate going out and seeing people holding hands. I don't like watching romantic movies. I don't like listening to love songs. Everything reminds me of David, because seriously all people ever talk about is the name 'David' or Chicago. Like, what? Now that he's dead everything takes place there? And suddenly the name David is uber popular?

Yes, I pray about it. Yes, I know things will be okay. I just wish people would stop saying that to me. You don't know how I feel. You've never lost someone you loved like that before. Don't pretend that you do.

Yes, I know that I've been selfish lately. I just like talking about David. It helps me feel better...most times.

I've learned a lot from this experience, though. But this blog is already too long, so that shall come another day.

This song by Imogen Heap, Wait It Out, put this into words.
"Everybody says that time heals everything. But what of the wretched hallow? The endless in between?"

That's exactly what I want to know.