But what of the wretched hallow?

As many of you all know, my friend, David, died almost 5 weeks ago. But the thing is, David was more than just my friend. He was my best friend; he was the best guy I have ever known. The most amazing boy. People try to help me through this, but no one really understands what I'm going through at all. No one. Well, maybe Bex. And I think that's the most frustrating part about this whole thing. Everyone says that it will be okay. That I'll get better. But when? How long does this take? I can't focus on anything. I cry all the time. I feel like I have no one to talk to.

And as many of you people know, I really don't do well with the whole emotions thing. Which may be why I like to write so much, because I feel as though typing/writing is much easier than actually talking about my feelings. But this is also the reason that I really didn't tell anyone about David or why I can't seem to tell anyone know how I really feel now.

The thing is, I was doing so well this year. I started going to daily Mass and the gym. I did my homework for class. I went out with people (mostly because Molly made me do a lot of things). But still. Life was really good and I really felt at peace for the first time in a LONG time. Because when I came home from Australia, it was pretty obvious that I was Australia sick. I knew it, yet I didn't do anything to help myself.

So anyway, I was so much better. And then I met David. I don't mean that as a bad thing because honestly, if I knew that he was going to die and I would only get to know him for the short time I did, I still wouldn't have changed anything. He made me happy. He made me laugh. He made me feel cherished. I was always excited to talk to him, even when we were arguing, which we happened to do a lot. Pretty much, if I could have spent every waking moment talking to him, I would have. And even when I first met him, I could tell there was something different about him, just because of the fact that I felt so comfortable talking to him. Sure, I met him online and online it's usually easier for me to talk to people. However, David did have a Y chromosome, which meant that I should have been awkward talking to him anyway. I flat out don't know how to talk to boys. Unless you're Danny. For some reason, I can talk to him.

Back on track. David was wonderful. Hands down the easiest person to talk to. He loved me. I loved him. I don't care what people think of that anymore. I don't care that I met him online. I don't care that he was 17. None of that really matters. Pretty much since the first day we met, we talked every single day. About everything. Anything. It didn't matter, as long as we were talking.

I distinctly remember the day that Sebastian told me what happened. I had just finished my homework, so I logged online, like I always did. I really wanted to talk to David, because we hadn't talked for a long time, because I had done some not nice things to him, so he 'took a break' from me. But we had just made up and had talked on Monday, but not Tuesday. That Tuesday, I asked Sebastian where David was, because I worried about him. He told me that he wasn't feeling well. Alright. That sucked, but I wasn't going to make him talk to me if he needed to rest. Back to the story. So that Wednesday, April 14th, I go online. I saw that Sebastian had posted a status or something, so I commented and asked him about David. He told me to message him, so I did. And to be honest, I was scared. The night/morning/day before, I actually had paranoid thoughts about David being dead. Weird, right? So, I ask Seb what's up and he just tells me he's dead. I was in disbelief. In fact, I wasn't even mad. I felt like everything was a lie. I didn't cry. I didn't even think about it. In fact, I called Kathleen. I was fine.

But then it sunk in. Mostly because I was still talking to Seb and the more I talked to him, the most upset I became. Not because of Sebastian, but because of David. But honestly, I really didn't even know how to feel. Nothing like this has ever happened to me in my life and I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. And then I broke down. I literally cried from like 6-10, when I went to bed. I'm pretty sure Bethany was the first person I told. Or maybe it was Bex. I just remember them both knowing first, because they were there. I don't even know how I made it through the next day. I was glad that one of my classes was canceled, so I was able to go to Mass at 12, which I normally couldn't do on Thursdays. It took everything I had to not just cry. I didn't understand how everyone could just be laughing and smiling, when something so awful had just happened. I couldn't listen to music (and I just recently started doing that again, though not too much.) I felt numb inside, like nothing else mattered in the world.

That was that day. I slowly started to tell people and they encouraged me to go out and do things, which I did. Sure, it got my mind off David for awhile, but whenever I was alone, the tears just came. There was no way to stop them. Maybe it was masochistic of me, but I would read David and I's conversations all the time. I haven't been doing that recently, though I did the other day.

Currently, I've been feeling worse. I wasn't bad for about a week, but now I feel like I'm back to where I was. There's always this emptiness in my chest. I hate going out and seeing people holding hands. I don't like watching romantic movies. I don't like listening to love songs. Everything reminds me of David, because seriously all people ever talk about is the name 'David' or Chicago. Like, what? Now that he's dead everything takes place there? And suddenly the name David is uber popular?

Yes, I pray about it. Yes, I know things will be okay. I just wish people would stop saying that to me. You don't know how I feel. You've never lost someone you loved like that before. Don't pretend that you do.

Yes, I know that I've been selfish lately. I just like talking about David. It helps me feel better...most times.

I've learned a lot from this experience, though. But this blog is already too long, so that shall come another day.

This song by Imogen Heap, Wait It Out, put this into words.
"Everybody says that time heals everything. But what of the wretched hallow? The endless in between?"

That's exactly what I want to know.