I feel like I should give up the internet and friends forever. All I ever feel is annoyed around them.
So many times I wish that people would just stop being idiots. I wish people were trustworthy and that I could talk freely about things with them. Don't get me wrong, I do have people like that in my life, but clearly not enough.
I don't get why people keep popping into my life when I don't want them to. Especially him. No one even knows how I feel when he talks to me. It's like my whole world flips around. But not in the good way. More of in the 'now I want to stab everyone that I come into contact with' way. Yeah, intense, I know.
I also don't get why people can't be honest with me. I mean, really? I'm an adult and so are you. Act like one, please. Don't tell me that everything is okay between us, then never talk to me again. Clearly, that was a lie. And that pisses me off. Instead of talking to me, you just ignore me. Yeah, that's even better.
Another thing I hate is people. Just plain and simple. All people. Everywhere.
I hate people who are insensitive to what I'm feeling or people who think I don't know what pain feels like. I hate people who claim to miss me or love me, then abuse me. I'm not that stupid anymore. I hate people who aren't mature enough to be honest with me. (Yeah, I realize this post is slightly immature. Bite me.) I hate it when people are childish. I hate people who don't listen to me. Just because I don't talk about my feelings a lot doesn't mean that when I finally do, I don't want you to listen. I hate selfish people. I hate people who aren't there for me when I'm always there for them.
The only people I like to talk to now are strangers. People who don't know my name or anything about me. They are the best, because they can't betray my trust to anyone I know.
I want to leave this place, leave my internet behind, and go somewhere where no one knows me.
Now I'm also annoyed that this stupid blog won't post in the stupid color I want it to.
I think today was amazing and kind of a breakthrough for me.
First, I just have to say that sometimes I hate being a girl. Especially when boys are around. That's all I gotta say about that. And, I hate stupid drivers. And people who take more than 10 items in the Express check out lane. Lame! And I love rainbows. A lot.
Anyways. I went to Mass today (at the wrong time). It was kind of silly. Well, I felt silly for not remembering the time. So I sat in church for 40 minutes. It was cool I guess.
It wasn't really Mass that was incredibly awesome (though receiving Jesus is always cool). Anyways, it was after Mass that made me so happy, that I cried. I've been thinking and missing David a lot these past few days, though I haven't really told anyone about it. I feel like I just talk about the same things and I don't want to seem annoying to people.
Anyway, so in the book Captivating that I read for small group (miss you Molly!), the author talked about getting a 'kiss' from God. (Or something like that?) So I've been thinking a lot about so many things, about how I'm still struggling with this and how I've been struggling with how to find peace in this whole situation. And I've also been having doubts about him loving me and me loving him and such, mostly because I guess it would hurt less that way.
Back to the point. After Mass...I think I finally got what I've been wanting. For the sake of not appearing silly, I don't want to say what happened, but all I can say is that I pretty much started crying and smiling to myself while I was driving. And I just felt so good and it was like I just knew that things were going to be okay and that David still loved me, no matter what.
This might not even make sense, but I just wanted to write it down because it made me so incredibly happy.
I'm sorry that you don't want to hang out with me anymore. I'm sorry that David died. I'm sorry that I can't just get over this. I'm sorry that I can't just shove my feelings away. I'm sorry we don't grieve in the same way. I'm sorry that I have mood swings. I'm sorry that I can't be happy all the time. I'm sorry that I can't magically be better. I'm sorry that I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm sorry that you think I don't care about you anymore. I'm sorry that I cry all the time. I'm sorry you don't understand what I'm going through. I'm sorry that I don't always want to listen to you talk about other boys. I'm sorry that I joke about other boys. I'm sorry that I joke about the situation to hide my pain. I'm sorry that you think I'm being selfish. I'm sorry if all I want to talk about is David. I'm sorry that I can't smile all the time. I'm sorry that you think I didn't love him. I'm sorry you don't understand our relationship. I'm sorry you think I like other people. I'm sorry that I can't always put away my pain to listen to stupid drama. I'm sorry you find me aggravating. I'm sorry that you think I should be over this. I'm sorry that I'll never be the same again.
I hope that all of this doesn't come out jumbled or unclear, because I feel like I have so many thoughts in my head that this might be the case! But, let's try.
So, weeks ago I mentioned how I have learned many things about myself and kind of life in general. And now I'm going to try to tell you these things. I guess this is mostly for my benefit, but my therapist says I need to start caring for myself. Ha.
I think one of the first things I learned was the arguing about stupid, petty things just is not worth it. At all. I mean, seriously. David used to argue about silly things that don't even need mentioning. Now that I look back on it, it makes me sad to think that all those times we could've been getting along or talking about something better. And it would've saved me a lot of unnecessary grief and anger. Obviously, sometimes there are issues that do need to be talked about or maybe even "argued" over, but it's just the silly things that I don't care too much for anymore. There's just no point.
I've also learned to talk more about my feelings, I think. You know, David put so much of himself on the line when he admitted to liking me and I just kind of blew him off, yet he didn't give up. With him I could talk about basically anything and I loved that. It's easier now to talk about my emotions. Not too much, but enough. I feel like I talk a little more when I first meet people and I open up just a smidgen more. Baby steps, you know. David taught me that saying what's on your mind can reap good results. If he had been too scared to admit his feelings for him, I'm sure that I would never have told him anything about how I felt. Especially about him.
One of the most important things I learned was how to open up my heart. Sure, I have many friends whom I talk to about many things, but most times I just focus on them and their problems. Yes, I love all my friends dearly, but being in love is a completely different experience. For many of my teenage years, I pretty much thought that it would never happen. I didn't think that I was pretty enough for anyone to ever like me. By anyone I mean a boy, duh. I've had crushes on boys in the past, sure, but they were really nothing. The first time I ever talked to David, I felt like this instant connection with him. There was something special about him. Him loving me opened my eyes and showed me that I was worth something. That it was possible for someone to love me. He constantly told me that I was pretty and funny. His favourite words to describe me were "perfect" and "amazing." He told me I was those things almost every time we talked. David taught me to love myself.
I came to a happy realisation today.
I'm going to fall in love again.
And it's going to be amazing. I just know. It won't be the same at all, I understand that. But one day, it will happen and it will be beautiful. And whoever that man is will know about David, because I also realised today that whoever I fall in love with has to know about him. He's a part of me now and he always will be. First loves are never forgotten. All my memories of David will always be in my heart. And I do want to fall in love again. I want to get married and have children. And I think loving David will help me get there.
I also decided something else today. Sometimes I like to talk about my future children and what I will name them and such. One day I was talking to Sebastian and he was like "You should name your child David." I was in shock. I didn't think that I could ever have someone permanently in my life with that name. And today I was thinking about how amazing David was. Yes, I'd never met him in person, but from our conversations and such, he seemed like such a gentleman. He seemed like the kind of guy that would open doors for girls and be respectful towards them. David always respected my views about religion and life and such and never once did he try to use that as a cop-out for being with me, like some guys do. So what all this means is that if I ever have a son, I would be so proud if he became like David, because David was a great guy. Basically this means I would name my child after him, haha.
February 20. That was the first day I ever laid eyes on David.
Okay, obviously not really, but it was the first day I met him. I don't know if anyone else will find this story amusing or not, but I kind of did. So I'm going to tell it anyway. Ha! And this is what happened.
So I started to RP [role play. easier to abbreviate.] with David when I first made my Delilah account, near the beginning of January. Though I obviously knew nothing about him; I didn't even know if he was really a guy or not. Okay so, we started RPing and then he decided to delete his other account and make a new one, so he told me about it and whatnot. But I don't really count that as the first time we talked. Though it technically was. So anyway. With his new account we started to RP, naturally. And along the way, I found Sebastian's profile, though I didn't know it was him. I remember reading his character's About Me and I was like "I must RP with this person." So, I did.
Then one day, probably the 19th, I was creeping people's profiles like I always do when I'm bored. And I noticed that this girl, Layla, had written on David's wall, and they were having a conversation. (I should point out that it wasn't really David having that conversation, it was Sebastian.) Anyway, at first I was like "Ew," because I didn't like Layla back then. Because of that conversation, I thought that it was the same person behind both accounts, Seb and David's.
So the on the 20th, at like midnight, I saw that Sebastian was on chat so I asked him if he was the same person that RPed Drake (which was David's account). He told me that it was his brother. Then Sebastian and I talked for a few minutes about our characters and stuff and just random things I suppose. And then he tells me that David's character liked mine, though I really didn't think that at all. Then I told Seb to get offline and let me talk to David. And he did!
David and I started talking, mostly about little things that didn't really matter, and then he had to go. Before he left he told me to inbox him and I was all 'O_o why?' But, I obviously did it anyway, or else I wouldn't be in this position that I am today. So we talked for a little bit and then he had to go to bed. I'm not sure if I was expecting him to talk to me again or not, but he did.
We pretty much talked that whole entire day and it was just amazing. It was weird that I didn't run out of things to say, since everyone knows that I don't usually have friends of the male persuasion. But he was just so easy to talk to and I loved that. Actually, I wondered why he was even still talking to me because when I look at our conversations now, I think to myself "Man, I'm really weird." I see some of the things I said to him and I'm like "sheesh! Why did he ever talk to me?" I really wonder what was going through his head when he talked to me, because I'm sure that I scared him immensely. Yet, he still talked to me, pretty much every day since the day we met.
February 22. That was the day David told me that he liked me.
I know what you're thinking, because it's probably the same thing I was thinking when he told me. I distinctly remember this day, because it was a Monday and we were talking right before I had to go to band. I was also talking to Bex (<3).
I thought that he wanted to deactivate because Delilah didn't want to be with Drake. And I thought that was silly. But I mean, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know his life, so in the end I told him that if he felt he needed to leave, then he should. And that's when he told me that the reason he wanted to leave had to do with him and me. As you can imagine, I was utterly confused at this point. I didn't think I had done anything to him, considering that I had just met him. I was telling Bex all this and she was like "I think he likes you." I remember freaking out because the more he alluded to the reason he wanted to leave, the more I kept thinking Bex was right. He wouldn't just come out and tell me what was bothering him and that was frustrating. He kept saying things like "You'll think I'm stupid for telling you," and that things would get worse if he would tell me. I told him that I had to go to class, so if he didn't tell me then, I wouldn't be able to talk to him until the next day. So, he told me.
I like you, okay?
That's what he told me. I remember how I felt when I saw those words. My heart started to quicken, as cliche as that sounds. I was kind of flattered too, but I was also scared. I didn't know how I felt about him, since I had met him literally two days before. And, I had to go to class. Damn band class.
I wrote him something totally stupid and I feel bad about that. I guess since no one had ever told me that before, I really didn't know how to react. And since the feeling wasn't mutual, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But I guess I kind of did in a way. I just kind of brushed it off and told him we should just go back to talking like we used to. So we did.
Gosh, I was such a jerk, right? I think that's one of the things I loved about him. Even though I kind of rejected him...twice...he still talked to me and he didn't give up. I know that if I ever got that response from someone, I would probably just give up and be done with it. But he didn't. And I'm so glad that he didn't.
And all this led up to that magic 'L' word. That's a great story. That will come later.
So, the other day, I went to confession. And well, I was talking to Fr. Jose about things...obviously. And David came up, obviously. Well, I guess that's not obvious, but it happened. And after I was done with my confession, I felt so much better! Not just because it felt good to confess my sins and be forgiven, but because of one thing Fr. Jose said to me.
I was telling him about David and how he was gone and how I was having a hard time with it. He told me that even though David wasn't here on this earth, that he was still my friend. Just those words made me feel so good! Because I guess I hadn't really thought about it that way and it made me happy to know. David's always going to be with me and he's always going to be a part of me. And I found that comforting.
But it was really this statement that just brought me so much joy. You know what he said? He told me that I now had a friend who was in Jesus' presence that could pray for me. Just...wow. I had definitely never thought about it that way. It just made me think. How amazing is that?! To have a friend that close to Him? It completely blew my mind. He told me that I can ask David to pray for me, which is another thing I had never thought of. It just made me feel so happy to know that David is still here for me, even though I can't physically talk to him anymore. This just really touched me. And it put things into perspective.
I'm learning to just remember the good times David and I had when he was alive. I'm learning that I should live my life happily because that's what he would want. I know how much he cared about me. He would want me to be happy, even if it's not with him.
These past couple days I've felt so good! I may be crying right now, but I'm also smiling. I like remembering David as the person I knew him as.
I don't know if this is weird, but sometimes I just talk to David, as though he were in front of me. No, I'm not going crazy. I think! Haha.
Oh, so, this is like, one of the best pictures of David. Not my favourite, but when Seb showed it to me again, it made my day and I couldn't stop laughing for like, 20 minutes.
